A Satire: Consider the "Cow"

So looking at this title, you may be thinking I'm going to speak on how bad it is to kill a cow. Or a cow's feelings when they see their friends and families being slaughtered. I felt like if I did do that, it would be a little hypocritical. Mainly because I am a person who likes to eat meat. So I decided to talk of something more important.

The topic that is more important than an animal's feelings is me as the "Cow." I am considered as a literal cow because I am the mascot for Chic-fil-A. Yes this is completely true. My Saturdays consist of walking around in a furry cow costume for five hours. Then during those five hours I sweat, then sweat, and then sweat even more. And then repeat the next week. It's cool the first few times, it really is. The first time I saw the costume, in my head I was saying "Wow! This is so awesome, I am basically a superhero and this is my suit," and then I put it on. I'm a pretty short person, so the suit was pretty baggy and it didn't look as cool as tight superhero spandex. But, I really do enjoy doing this job. (And yes I still do this job, you can catch me at Somerset Mall from 2pm to 7pm on Saturday!)

I also get to meet really cool people, like the guy who acts as Santa and Rudolph. Even a person playing Olaf was there! So I was kind of in this awe moment to be in a room with these iconic characters. Or well, the "Cow" was in a place with iconic characters, and then Silas was in a room with 30 year old adults who probably aren't paid enough. The best way to depict this moment is with Spider-Man in Civil War. He is just a teenager excited to be hanging out with icons.

Like stated earlier my shift is around five hours and I sweat profusely. But on top of that I have to wave, hug, greet, shake hands, high-five, and run away when a kid starts to cry. It doesn't seem that hard, but when you are in a full fur costume with a whole helmet that weighs around 10 lbs and the fan in the suit is broken, there are things that I would like people to consider.

One of the things that people should take into consideration are children. They can be so annoying, just being honest. I've had children pull on my tail so hard and parents just sit there. The parents do nothing, they think it's funny and laugh. So then I turned around a chased the kid around to scare him--karma.

Next thing are middle schoolers-- the worst age group in the world. That group is terribly obnoxious and plain annoying. It's even worse because they come to Somerset in packs, like wolves. I can hear them before they get to me, mainly because they are screaming annoying slang to sound cool. Some examples consist of "Yo! Can you dab?' or "OMG! You are my life!" or just random high pitched screaming that is hard to decipher as male or female. And on top of that they are so touchy and grabby. Like yesterday some middle school girl ran at full speed and tackled me from behind! Consider the person in the costume! I am practically half dead in that thing! I really hope there is a rule that bans people under the age of 13 showing up at Somerset.

Another terrible group are the downers or the people who think they are too cool to wave back. I'd say at least 95% of people wave back, but that 5% who don't, are a bunch of losers. Like I'm walking around sweating and most times starving, the least you could do is wave back. It takes only 3 seconds to raise your hand. And it's even worse when the person tries to act like they don't see you. But how do you miss a 5'8 feet cow that walks on it's hind legs. What an a**hole.

So what I am really trying to say is consider the people who are mascots, it's a big deal. Like bigger than dropping lobsters in a boiling pot. I want people to understand that the "Cow" is something that people take as a joke. But to me the "Cow" has feelings on the inside, literally because I'm on the inside. The one in the inside feeling neglected and abused, so if you see me at the mall being hurt, please consider the "Cow."